Lupin Can't Lie
by Quicquidlibet
Summary: He only reads books and he cannot lie, even if he's reading a how-to-lie book. Because, really, if you're going to lie, you should at least remember it. T for language.


The day began normally for Remus Lupi- No, that's a lie.

The day began like crap for Remus Lupin.

It was two days after the full moon, and the second year boy was having a horrible day.

To start, he overslept. And not anything minor, like just missing most of breakfast or anything. No. He slept through Transfiguration. And Herbology. And was late to lunch. Because of this, he now had two new detentions and an empty stomach. His roommates were just so considerate, he grumbled to himself._ So_ considerate.

Next, someone set off a dungbomb in the hallway on his way to Potions, causing him to be late. Not only did he reek, but Filch refused to believe he was innocent. Another week's worth of detentions. Because he totally planned to set the bombs off while he was in range. Heaven forbid he have enough brains to run away from the scene of the crime!

Then, he had forgotten to grab his homework for both Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts. Two more detentions.

Exhausted, hungry, and grumpy, he stumbled into the Gryffindor Common Room and headed up the stairs to his dorm.

Before he could get to collapse on his bed and pass out like he wanted to, his three friends grabbed him and forced him to sit on the desk chair. He groaned. "Guys, I'm tired." Why couldn't they just let him sleep? Maybe if he just humored them for just a minute...

Sirius stood in front of him, arms crossed, face intense. "Remus, we need to talk."

The dead-on-his-feet boy rolled his eyes and laced his voice with sarcasm. "We_ are_ talking."

James sat himself on the desk, just behind Sirius, half-glaring at his friend. "This is important. We know you've been lying to us."

"Have I?" Remus snarked, slumping in his chair and gazing longingly at his bed. He just wanted to sleep. "I wasn't aware of this."

"We're not stupid, Remus," Peter chimed in from Remus' left side, where he was sitting cross-legged on James' bed.

Remus made a face and drawled "Well..." as if he didn't quite believe the other boy. He didn't, really. The other boys tended to have quite a lot of idiotic moments, if you asked him.

"Remus, stop kidding around," James snapped. "We know you're a werewolf!"

The room went silent as Remus blinked in shock as the others glared at him. Then he laughed. "What?"

"A werewolf," James repeated. "We've figured it out."

Remus continued to laugh. "Guys, I'm not a werewolf."

"Give it up, Remus!" Peter snapped, throwing a pillow at him to shut him up. "We know you're lying!"

"Did you think we wouldn't figure it out?" Sirius added, shoving Remus back into the chair when he tried to get up. "You always have some excuse to go to the Hospital Wing on the night of the full moon."

Remus leaned back in his chair in resignation, his face towards the ceiling, his hand covering his face. "You're mistaken. I'm not-"

"BULLSHIT," Sirius interrupted loudly, making the other three jump in surprise.

"LET ME FINISH," Remus growled, uncovering his face to glare at Sirius. "I'm _not _a werewolf, but I can see why you'd think so."

"Explain," James interjected harshly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now."

Remus sighed and reluctantly began. "There's this potion that I have to take once a month. My parents and I decided to make the full moon be the day that I take it, so I don't have look at a calendar to remember to take it."

The other three looked at each other, unsure whether or not to believe it. "Why do you have to take a potion?" Peter finally asked.

"And don't lie to us again, Remus," James warned, his glare not relenting.

Remus flushed. "I... I'd rather not say..."

"Dammit, Remus," Sirius exclaimed in frustration. "Why not?"

"It's embarrassing..." his response was nothing more than a mortified mumble, and they had to strain to hear him.

"We won't make fun of you," James told him. Remus rolled his eyes, knowing full well that it was a lie. "We promise."

"Have you ever heard of a Volturi?" He said finally, giving up.

"No," Peter replied immediately. Sirius and James both shook their heads in a negative.

"It's an extremely rare creature, and not many people know it even exists," Remus explained.

"What is it?" Sirius cut in, and Remus rolled his eyes.

"I was just about to tell you. It's a bloodsucker, but not a vampire. A lot of people think they're the same, but vampires are badass while the Volturi are just... girly."

"A bloodsucker," James said with skepticism, eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"Yes," Remus confirmed. "Haven't you noticed that I like my steak so rare, it's practically raw?"

"But, wait," Peter interrupted accusingly. "If you're just taking a potion, why are you gone all night?"

"The potion makes me sick to my stomach for a while after I take it," Remus countered. "Madame Pomfrey has me stay the night in the Hospital Wing in case I throw it up."

Peter nodded, satisfied with this explanation. "What does the potion do?"

"Well," Remus replied, "it hides my defining Volturi features and keeps me from getting too bloodthirsty."

"What kind of features?" asked a now-calm Sirius, curiosity the dominant tone in his voice.

"It makes it so my eyes aren't red, my body isn't hard as a rock, my saliva isn't venomous, and... um.." he trailed off, blushing once more.

"And what?" Sirius prompted.

Remus buried his face in his hands. "It keeps my skin from sparkling in the sunlight," he muttered as quick as he could, the others just barely understanding him.

They were silent for a moment, before James spoke, his voice incredulous and trying not to laugh. "You have got to be shitting me."

"It sounds ridiculous, I know. But it's true," Remus defended, his face still red. "I can't stand it. Makes me feel like a fucking fairy."

That caused the three to stop holding back their laughter and crack up in hysterical mirth. "Oh Merlin," Sirius gasped between laughs. "I don't... I don't even know how to respond to that."

"He sparkles! _Sparkles_, guys!" Peter exclaimed, giggling like mad.

Remus huffed in annoyance and flung himself onto his bed, pulling his curtains shut and ignoring them.

Then he smirked. Those idiots were so gullible.

* * *

A few days later, Remus was sprawled on his bed, working on his Transfiguration homework.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius began, plopping his butt down on top of the other boy's book.

Remus rolled his eyes. "What, Sirius?"

"Why don't you spend the next full moon here in the dorms? We can make sure you don't throw up the potion."

Remus gave him a confused look. "What are you talking about?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "The potion you take every month? To hide your Volturi features?"

Remus blinked. "You're not making any sense.

The other boy narrowed his eyebrows, starting to get suspicious. "Remus, you _told_ us about it."

Remus continued to look confused, before realization dawned on his face. "Shit."

"You lied to us!" Sirius yelled, jumping off the bed and throwing Remus' Transfiguration book on the floor in a fit of rage. "I cannot _believe_ you would lie to us _again!"_

"No, I-"

"You can't even remember your lie, Remus. Tell me the fucking truth already!"

Remus groaned, covering his face with his pillow. "Just... Just stay out of the Shrieking Shack, alright? I'm a werewolf in there."

* * *

**What is this randomness? I don't even know.**

**So, I am now going to advertise my Harry Potter forum. The link is on my profile. GO GO GO! We need more people. Please?**

**And guys? I just want you to know, you don't have to take this fic seriously. I'm just messing with you. Siriusly.**

**I don't own anything.**


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